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Life has truly come full circle. I have a big bus and I intend to throw most of my students under it today.
On my desk, is a cup of tea and a battery of mandazis to charge my fury. I’m seething with one deadly sin; wrath.
Before me, are twenty-four report forms.
Twenty-four dossiers against twenty-four culprits. All of whom are my students.
Diametrically opposite my seat is where the jury (parents) will sit as I make my case. I will also have an extra seat for my beloved student. Situated next to his caregivers so he can optimally endure the passive aggression of Kenyan parenting.
If you are a parent already or planning to be one, I’ve got news for you,
Teachers do not turn up for open day to offer an objective assessment of your child’s performance in school. Why would anyone believe such nonsense?
It beats the purpose of having you, your son and myself on one table. Why would I convene such a gathering to be just and fair? The truth is open day is a kangaroo court. Open days are for whistleblowing, violence, and skirmish. It is a day for settling old scores and setting the record straight. It is a teachers’ maiden chance to clapback.
It is the only day in an academic year a teacher can guillotine his student with the parent’s approval.
As it stands I have ten boys in my crosshairs and their parents will get an earful today. In short, leo nachoma kuchoma.

Earlier in the term, these kids led by their favorite brat formed a habit of ridiculing my earlobes. I ignored it initially but when he likened them to bhajias in a corridor teeming with teenagers…. I couldn’t stomach a whole floor of kids peeking at my earlobes and having a good laugh.
But lo and behold I’m an ardent student of war tactics.
“Place your iron hand in a red velvet glove,” – Napoleon Bonaparte.
Retribution is best served cold. Vengeance is for the Lord and today He has handed me the sword to commit it on his behalf.
This is the day that the Lord has made; I will rejoice and bask in it.
As I meet parents today and gladly tarnish reputations, there’s a proverb I hope my students can learn from
“Never cause a ruckus in the market if you are selling eggs”

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